In Sequatchie County, Tennessee, there is a celebration in the making. On the afternoon of Thursday, January 15, local resident Frankie Earl Riggs, 78,  will be making his historic 200th trip to the local Kangaroo market. “He walks in here every week, like clockwork,” says cashier Frances Holland. Riggs makes the two-block hike each week to his favorite local store and purchases the same items each week. “He always buys chocolate milk, a box of condoms and lighter fluid. Not sure what he’s doing with it, but it’s making him a local legend,” said Holland.

In honor of this historic achievement, many of the white members of the community are taking Friday off to attend the celebration. “I’ve already told my boss that I won’t be in on Friday,” said 22-year-old Tiffani James, a local hair stylist. “I want to see history being made.” Dan Evans, 47, is closing his welding shop in order to attend. “Aww, them dozer blades and car frames can wait a day. This is special, man.” Local student Tyler Gentry, 16, is skipping school in favor of the celebration. “This is like the time I met The Rock after one of his wrestling matches. Except Mr. Riggs is a lot older and he might bruise a rib if he laughs too hard.”

The celebration, sponsored by Kangaroo BP Markets and the Sequatchie County chapter of 100 Random White People, is drawing considerable fire from black members of the community. Darnell Jackson, 51, is leading the charge. Claiming that the celebration is racist and discriminatory, Jackson is outraged that white people would dare to just take a day off work to celebrate the achievement of a local citizen. “They ain’t got no special rights or nothin’. What if I wanted to take off Friday? Now I can’t because we’d be short-handed at work. That’s racist, man!” Jackson has also filed injunctions against the federal government demanding slavery reparations and the financial equivalent of 40 acres of land and a mule. “I’m gonna get mine. The Man ain’t done me no favors!”

“It’s inconceivatory,” quipped 28-year-old Jevarius Jenkins. “The achievements of the black community aren’t given the same amount of notorietation. It’s unequal and it’s just because we’re black.” When reminded of the upcoming federal holiday commemorating Martin Luther King, Jr., and the fact that many blacks across the country are extending their holiday by taking off of work to watch the inauguration, Jenkins remained defiant. “That’s different. That’s about me & my people. This celebration on Friday isn’t about us, and that’s wrong.” Jenkins then went on a 15-minute tirade, grossly mispronouncing the word “egregious” several times.

Terrell Robinson, a self-proclaimed “lyrical assassin” who works out of his home as a hip hop recording artist under the name M.C. N’Kwambe Tukulu M’butwari, says he is putting together a song to convey the anger he feels inside. “Y’all gonna need a bomb shelter when I drop this on you,” pledges Robinson. He was accompanied by his friends and fellow group members Big Boo and Kwon Wilkes Booth who each responded with a menacingly deadpan “yeah man”.

According to Jane Mills, director of the local chapter of 100 Random White People, the organization is also facing charges of racial discrimination. The charges are being brought by the NAACP, Black Business Association, the Atlanta chapter of 100 Black Men and the National Coalition of 100 Black Women. “They’re free to make whatever claims they like. It doesn’t make the claims true or valid, and it certainly won’t dampen our spirits as we prepare to honor Mr. Riggs for his milestone achievement.”

Mr. Riggs could not be reached for comment. He is most likely engaged in activities involving chocolate milk, condoms and lighter fluid. Activities which are too disturbing for conjecture.